J ù w ó n

She was speaking a lot more viciously… Louder than the stereo I had hiked up to the maximum to douse her vile words. It sounded more like a studio try out. Her words against the sound and beat from my stereo… Ugly, Unwanted, Worthless, Used, Weakling…

She seemed to speak a lot more often lately. I wondered what I had done this time round to cause sleep to elude her. One hand pressed against my right ear, eyes tightly squinted, my feet clamped down on the accelerator, speeding… I was doing 120 kilometers by the time I checked… There was so much distraction - from her and my stereo…

The window! Maybe if I let out the sound I would be blessed with a soothing calm from the breeze and the smell of the sea… The sky had begun to cloud. It looked like a heavy storm was brewing. I counted to three, I reclined the window…her words flew out for a second, the rush of air was gratifying…I took it all in. I loved how my weave swayed with the force of the wind, hitting against my face. It made me feel pretty...for just a second. I almost felt like a super model in one of the commercials for Ford, Mercedes or Jaguar…I was reveling in the thought when her words jolted me, yet again! Unwanted, Unloved, detested…

Shut up!!! I screamed at her… the man in the vehicle beside me stared. I could feel his confusion. I didn't care. I had to get away from her. I increased my thrust on the accelerator, 120, 140, 160 kilometers… The sky suddenly gave way and released a thunderous burst…the sound it made felt like freedom, this was my cue, this was my break! If I didn't go now I would never be able to get away from her. I looked up into the sky, the rain had started to rush, hitting against my windscreen, face and arm. I left the window unwound. Maybe if she got drenched she would shut up permanently… I grinned with the thought that I may actually beat her to her own game… then I felt her fear. I never thought she could ever be afraid, of anything let alone me! Suddenly I had an idea. She had tormented me for way too long…  She stole my childhood and was still fighting to own my adult years. Wasn't it bad enough that she made me feel dirty, hated and unappreciated? It was time I got my life back….

This time I choose to fight. I had hit rock bottom and even when she kept saying ‘do it coward! You can’t even take your own life?’ I was still here! I was no longer going to wait for anyone to validate me. Because in doing that I would give her more room to thrive!

I began to analyze how I had gotten to this point. How I fed each bile comment they threw at me. Their comments were evil; some from people I even as much as called friends! They said I was too skinny, some said I had the body of a man; flat chested with a flat behind. As if that wasn't enough, I had a scar on my face that ran from my right ear to the hollow of my lips. A permanent scar I would have to live with as a result of losing it with the girls from my Junior Secondary Class 3. The girls in my class were mean. One of them said I looked like a rejected sacrifice from the gods… I was going to walk away till they all started laughing. With every step I took away from them their laughter increased. I do not know where I got the strength from. In a second I was tugging at anyone of them I could get hold of, lashing out in a frantic frenzy, blinded by the sight of my own tears. They attacked as a group; clawing at my face, kicking and punching at whatever part of my body they could reach. They only let go when some of the prefects from the Senior Class approached. I was taken to the school clinic.  A few stitches and I had been scarred for life… I hated them!

My life of solitude began after that time. My loveless life made it possible for me to believe every word she had said. One time she had laughed and said I shouldn't bother about being loved. I wasn't anything close to the picture or image of a “smoking hot babe’. They had curves, pretty faces, where either ebony, chocolate skinned or as light as the sun… I spoke less, ate less, and hated myself more until I started to internalize her words… but today, I had just about had enough!

I drove on against the force of the rain. She was whimpering now while I chuckled. Today was the end of you! I began to laugh; driving faster with every outburst. I changed her words; I am loved! I am beautiful! I am needed! I am Daughter, Sister, Friend and Mother!

As she heard those words she began to scream. She was frantically begging me to stop, but I wouldn't. My screen was fogged now, I could hardly see. My tyres began to screech from the speed hitting against the puddle of water from the rain. She was shaking, begging me to reduce my speed or risk killing us both. I was surprised. I thought all she wanted was the death of me! She began to bargain with me. If I pulled over she would leave me alone for good. But sorry dear, I do not negotiate with terrorists!

I drove on for another hour, viciously with all the strength in me. The rain had calmed and I could now see clearly. I turned to look at the passenger’s seat but she was no longer there. I could no longer hear her voice. I felt a sudden rush of peace. As I came to a halt the tears flowed freely. Those of relief and joy for not giving in to her demands…

Today I choose to begin a new life! Today I choose to love me, my life and what I have to offer the world! Beauty was relative and as defined by the beholder! I had enough brains to know that! No more would I allow stereotypes to define or make me. Death to Self-hate and depression! I am beautiful in my own unique way! Scarred or not! I am greater than you, my evil alter ego! 

J ù w ó n!

“Self-love, self-respect, self-worth. There is a reason they all start with “self”. You cannot find them in anyone else” (Anonymous)

Photo credit: (Google images)