Huff! Puff!! Buff!!!

If you remember the famous “Three Little Pigs” story from your Nursery Rhymes with the hungry wolf vowing to blow down their house and have them as his meal, then you must be familiar with the terms; “Huff” & “Puff”…errmm I added my own jara: “Buff” (we have to show that our brain is sharp nah! Lol). Anyway, before I digress, this is the exact feeling I have when driving on Lagos roads.

I had resorted to waiting out traffic at my work place just so that I drive in peace and get home at half the time I would have spent leaving work during peak hours - but for where? Lagos drivers no go gree! How else can you explain leaving the island at 8pm only to face major traffic jams on your first exit point onto 3 rd mainland bridge? I can’t even begin to explain the shock. At least island drivers were a bit sane.

Now for the Lagos newbies, there are 3 categories of drivers or would I call it 3 styles of driving on Lagos roads. I will in very simple layman street language, try to operationalize these terms below.

Category 1 – “The Island Drivers”

Disclaimer: Do not be fooled by the terminology. They do not only include “ajebutters” or “islanders” (Ikoyi, VI, Lekki, Ajah inhabitants) but also include immigrants from other suburbs or metropolis within Lagos. The common factor in categorizing this group as “Island Drivers’ is simply in the style of driving.

Even when in a hurry, some of these “Island drivers” are sane enough to be courteous in their driving. They obey street lights (no obey nah! LASTMA fee on island routes cost pass), road signs and are generally more tolerant to their fellow drivers. On some occasion the “mainland driving spirit” in them lets loose especially when there’s a gridlock on the route into Victoria Island, close to the Officers Mess. Walahi, if the Island driver is in a hurry to a meeting especially on a Monday morning, no amount of flashing indicator lights or honking will gain you access through the needles eye onto Victoria Island. If your car gets bashed by any stroke of bad luck getting into the Island, the Island Driver’s language of communication is plain English. No shouting, no haggling just clean English and exchange of complimentary cards. You can be sure that the Island driver has got his insurance cover so no time to waste when his or her car is bashed.

Category 2 – “Upper Mainland Drivers 1”

Hmmn, how do I even begin? If my basic geography serves me right, it will be a sacrilege to group the entire mainland as one. This is where well over half of Lagos State’s population lives. From Ebute Meta, Ogudu, Gbagada, Anthony, Maryland, Ikeja, etc., you should get my drift by now. Anyway, the “Upper Mainland Drivers” constituting people who drive on the following routes (Ikorodu road, 3 rd Mainland Bridge, Gbagada, Anthony, Maryland, and Ikeja 1) are not so far off from the “Island Drivers”. They tend to be courteous to fellow drivers on these routes however, if you provoke them ehn, you will be properly schooled in driving. Some negative triggers that bring out the ‘Micheal Schumacher’ in “Upper mainland Drivers” include, aggressive truck drivers, drunk bus drivers, proud SUV drivers (these guys can be natural bully’s sometimes *rolling my eyes*), randy taxi drivers. The operational language for settling car bashing issues in this category is also English. On some occasion Yoruba may be required depending on the ‘illogicality’ of the basher and the scenario. Lol!

Category 3 – “Lower Mainland Drivers 2”

Chai! This one na serious explanation I go do for here! Let me start by painting a mental picture of the category of drivers in this group. A song comes to mind here. Faze’s ‘Kolomental’. P.S.: you need to listen to the song or watch the video to get the picture. If you haven’t, please Google the song and have a listen then continue reading. This is the best way I can describe these set of drivers.

So you know how for no reason at all, someone just goes kolo on you and decides that the paint on your car still looks clean and needs to baptize you into the Lagos driving life? This is where you will find these types of drivers. They usually ply the Oshodi, Agege Motor road axis. Ah, before I forget, Ojodu, Ketu, Mile 2, Berger routes are not left out ohh. The drivers in this category mean you every harm!

WARNING: If you have been invited for an event along any of these routes (Oshodi, Agege motor road, Iyana Ipaja, Egbeda, Agege, Ojodu, Berger, Isolo express way) be sure to drive like a mumu and AVOID any bus painted in yellow, also avoid moluwes and BRT bus drivers like the plague. Do not also forget to avoid the KekeNapep drivers; they are the new breed of the defunct Okada riders.

Drivers on this route are not normal ohhhh!!! (Re-inserts Faze’s kolomental). How else do you explain a driver who deliberately drives through a road demarcation just so he doesn’t have to make the long drive to the appropriate U-turn? Beats traffic light regulations and has no respect for road signs. Worse off is when you try to argue right of way within this category. My dear, you will only be wasting your time.

The operational language in negotiating vehicle altercations within this category is Yoruba. If you are not a native speaker, Pidgin English will suffice. There will be plenty noise, insults, swear words and sometimes blows/punches used when engaging with this lot. If by chance you are an Island driver that unfortunately found yourself in such a situation, your best bet is to walk away to avoid getting your face bashed in the process.

PLEASE NOTE: If you speak English with Yankee or Jand phonetics, you are on a long thing (ask D’Banj). You will only be insulted and pushed over. Your only option will be to phone a friend or a police buddy if you have one; otherwise the basher will go ‘scot-free’!

Did I mention the begging levels within this category? Mehn, na serious begging! If a yellow commercial bus driver bashes your car within this category and he knows that even with his gra gra, the bashee no go gree, all he needs to do is pull off his shirt and lie prostrate on the floor especially in a dirty water puddle (if it rained earlier). They know how to do reverse psychology well oh! That way, when on-lookers come on the scene, the bashee is seen as a devil for not forgiving the poor car basher. They are not even bothered if it will cost you 50 grand to fix what has been bashed ohh! You are straight up seen as a mean witch or wizard if you do not forgive!

So after countless huffing, puffing and buffing, I realized that I was only wasting my strength and energy arguing with the lot of “Mainland Drivers”. I have therefore fused my Island driving etiquette with bits of upper mainland and lower mainland craze. Before they give me high blood pressure I will calmly show them that they are not the only ones that can drive gangster on Lagos roads!

They say when in Rome, act like the Romans!! Lol!

Till next time, have a great week and drive safely on the roads!

Toodles!!

Kechy!