I Remember...

We were not friends; we couldn’t even be categorized as acquaintances. You were just someone who attended the same Uni I did. First, it was the initial happy smiles you threw my way on random occasions when we crossed paths and I was too embarrassed to respond or reciprocate. If per chance I responded, it was usually with a confused scowl and a questioning look that wondered why in the world you were throwing smiles my way.

Uni went by in a flash. Four years felt like two. It was the fastest school year I had experienced.  I can’t remember seeing You that often, just at random occasions when social events happened to bring all faculties together. And then at one of the talent shows we had, I saw you with Anjola, my devout friend from my department whom I sometimes called “School Mummy”. Anjie had a heart of gold and warmth that drew everyone close to her. That was the first time we exchanged banter. I said a quick ‘Hi’ to you and turned to face Anjie. Almost as though if I said any more, the world would implode into a million pieces... You noticed my shyness and smiled some more. I, on the other hand frowned a lot more…

Graduation had come, life had happened and dreams were being chased. Some dreams taking us far across various states and continents… Social media was the link bridge. Everyone was on it for different reasons. Mine, more out of re-establishing lost contacts with close friends from high school, Uni or life generally. My rules were simple. Only direct friends, family, friends of friends, school or co-workers could get accepted. Random additions had gone with the previous most popular social media platform at the time. This new platform gave a lot more privacy than the former. My fastest rule to accepting a friend request was basic; intending friend would require at least 50 relevant mutual friends on my list to be accepted.  Randoms just didn’t cut it. There had to be some extended connection even as little as lecturer, doctor, church member, or a school group association. This was anti-social me trying hard to be a bit more cool but within the limits of what I could control.

You sent me a friend request. Our common alliance was the Uni we both attended and the relationship you had with my “School Mummy” Anjie! I accepted. We never spoke. You liked some of my pictures which I posted sparingly and comments which sounded witty or relevant to time. I shrugged each time I saw a ‘Like’ from you. Thinking how someone so unrelated could like something so unconnected…

And then the break up happened! I was never one to showcase relationship statuses on social media. ‘The ex’, then ‘lover’ insisted. So I had the status ‘in a relationship’ on my profile. It kept social media prowlers away. Well, some of them… So when it all came crumbling down like a pack of cards, I had to undo the status. Then came the questions…

I was grieving, I knew it wasn’t cancer, death of a family member or a pet, but it was my heart. Badly bruised at that… I needed privacy to grieve. It was the least I could do. The comments kept rolling in under the new “Single” status. They infuriated me more and more as they rolled in. Typical curious nature of humans, oohs and aaahs and what’s and whys? I answered none of these questions. Then I saw your message… It was simple and direct. Almost like you had seen a light at the end of a tunnel and decided to grab it before it faded. It read; 

  “Hey! I see you’re now single. It’s my turn now” *inserts happy smiley*

I was outraged! Such rudeness, audacity and impetuous! How could you make rubbish of the two most important years of my life that ended abruptly without as much as a goodbye! I hated your guts. You couldn’t even wait for at least one month before making a move! I called Anjie. I knew you were close friends with her. She laughed at my rant and said you were probably just being naughty that I should give it a rest. I didn’t! It was almost as if I wanted you to pay for the hurt I felt from “the ex”. They called it a fit of transferred aggression... and then weeks turned into months and I began to let go and forget the hurt from ‘the ex’, forgetting 'You' in the process…

Three months had passed after “the ex” episode. Did I mention I didn’t respond to your mail? Well I didn’t! Neither did you send me any more messages, nor likes, nor pokes. The silence was strange. It wasn’t as if I was anticipating any more messages from you. But the silence felt a bit odd. You were more active than I was on social media. You would post pictures of places, events and games. You loved sports. Your favorite was Basketball and you made sure to show off by posting pictures of every game you were in. The last I saw was one about a week ago. Rude notifications kept popping up when contacts updated their profile pages. So I couldn’t help but notice.

Then I saw the messages… at first I thought they were some failed attempt at comedy. I pulled up your profile. And there it was! So many messages from so many mutual contacts from Uni. The common message was clear for all to see. It read; “Rest in Peace!”

Could this be world prankster day I asked? The more I searched the more shocking condolence messages I saw. They sounded very sincere. I had once heard a saying that “it was only in death that people showed how much they loved or cared about you or your life”. It didn’t seem that way from what I read. These held more depth. With every message I read, your life unfolded right in front of me. Words like ‘kind', ‘friend’, ‘brother’, ‘mentor’, ‘confidant’ were used. And they all seemed to carry so much truth in them. No one seemed to say what had taken you away so abruptly, so I called Anjie. She had just heard. She said it was shocking. You had slumped while playing your favorite sport - Basketball! You were rushed to the hospital but never made it out…

I was more angry at myself than with the world for taking you. My anger, more from the guilt I felt for hating you for that silly message you sent me after the episode with “the ex”. Guilt tore at my heart string. Here I was, angry at someone the world seemed to get, never for once reciprocating the kind hand of friendship you held out to me… I sulked to Anjie, and she, in her typical kind nature, asked me to stop. The guilt would get me nowhere. She said instead, that I should create a memory of you, one where we were friends, happy and playful, one where we shared genuine laughter and complimented each other… I listened and it helped!

Each day since you left, I have painted a picture of you and I, happy, smiling and laughing at each others jokes. Did I also mention the long happy walks we take catching up on old times while I constantly tease you about how cheesy your attempt at being close friends with me was? Well, I guess you do! You guyz see everything from up there...

Today, I remember You, Toju Collins Atoritse, for all the happiness you shared in your world!  Rest well, my smiley happy champ!

Love!

Kosisochi.

Ps: This piece is a tribute to numerous friendships built, lost or gained around the world!

(Photo credit: Tariela Seiyefa)